Religion

It has sparked wars and unending violence, large-scale massacres, and fueled intolerance as part of a cultural norm. Back in the day, when hard-to-please Pharoahs caught fastidious worshippers praying the wrong way, they were stoned. Today, faithful soldiers use airplanes and torso-mounted explosives to make a point. From as long as we can remember, the R word has divided societies and terrorized both the devout and the indifferent. The solution is obvious: destroy all religions.

That’s right, I say we outlaw ‘em. France has already taken decisive action in this regard, banning the voile (headscarf) in public schools[1]. Now, take it a step further. Since disagreements are often the result of conflicting beliefs, removing these beliefs completely will certainly result in less fighting, both physical and otherwise. Sure, religion may add a certain spice to life, but I don’t really like spicy things. They hurt my tongue. And hurt is bad.

Offenders of the anti-religion law, that is, those deciding to provoke the wrath of The Allegiance to Esoteric Entities Ban (hereforth TALEE-Ban) should undergo a recently-discovered procedure called a ‘faith lobotomy’. This involves the removal of the walnut-sized lower region of the left frontal lobe, the area known for irrational belief, hope and dreams. Prior testing on chipmunks has proven a 100% success rate in removal of religion (as well as walnuts).

TALEE-Ban should not be taken lightly at any time, because only in the glorious light of fact, science, and reason will life flourish and have meaning. The advantages of TALEE-Ban range from world peace to day-to-day love and cultural exchange. For instance, traditional Jewish men pressured to marry Jewish women to retain the bloodline will rejoice in a larger “sea of partners” comprised of Indians, Chinese, and other.

In conclusion, the road to peace is clear. Through TALEE-Ban and careful surveillance of ourselves and others, we can rid the world of this dastardly do-goodery. Religion is dangerous, despite its varying claims to promote among its masses upright moral behavior, discipline, respect, humility, hope, love for others… er, whatever. The time is now to crush this age-old bewitchery, and move into the era of enlightenment where we can concentrate on more relevant, concrete topics.

Now, where was I... right.

“Pluto: A Mini-Planet or Lovable Yellow Dog?” You decide.